When Life kicks in (rather kicks the shit out of you)

Been ages since i wrote my last Blog... But am back again, sounding as bad as i did when i first started Blogging or probably even worse...
Hmmm lets see what happened in the last few months.,,, a lot of things, good and bad.. for the start i finally was motivated and had a goal in my mind, and i went after it.. for the first time in my life i was serious about something and it looked almost within my grasp,, but then it all boils down to THE DAY, as they say...2 months of effort and preparation gone down the drain... oh thats just great.. as if i wasnt bruised enough..
Like i used to say, even if i fail, atleast i will fail without reasons, i will have no regrets cause i gave my best shot... Like hell, its all bull, nothing but just bull..... Ya i gave my best shot, i put in everything, but then what mattered in the end was the result... which didnt go my way...
Good Lord, what do i do??? It seems like ages since i have tasted the sweet success..... and i am even forgetting how it used to be...
Then came the days of self imrpovement, some one really important in my life, made me realise that i was hiding in a shell, afraid to get out of it, afraid to lose what i had, (though it was not enuf, it never is.....).. So what do i do???? i look out for advice... and probably one of the best advices that i got was to believe in yourself rather than start depending on others... hmmm i thought and thought and thought over it again and again.., Hell yeah!!!! Am good enough to trust my own capabilities... God knows what was holding me back... I have to break the shackles and let loose....
And that my friends was the best part of those months...
But boss life is not really that simple, as one might expect,,, i was in a positive frame of mind and things just started looking really clear and simple... and then,,,, MY LIFE kicked in yet again..... and Humpty Dumpty had a great fall... YET AGAIN!!!!!!!!
Back into the shell and more bruised than ever this time....
ahem ahem!!!!! YET AGAIN!!!!
So whats wrong with me??? I am more confused than ever and more doubtfull of making it big than ever.... gosh!!!
Now i ask myself a question... Why the hell am i writing this blog and seeking advice from unknown people, again..... Why????? When i know for a fact that the best person to understand comprehend and judge my situation is me, not anyone else..... And unless i try out myself am not gonna come out of it...
And the answer to that from what i think is, all am looking for are people who can associate themselves with what i am sayin and who at some point in their life have been through the same,,,, I wanna know what they did to get out of it...
Life is mysterious, and plays a harsh game, Once again it has beaten me, which is unacceptable to me, but the war aint over yet....
People, let me know of what u think.......

No Idea what the heading shud be....

It took me 10 mins to think where to start from, and even as i am writing it i have no clue as to what i am going to write..... Yes the inspiration from Adnan worked :D I joined a gym, and feels really good when i finish the work out and come back home in the night all tired and exhausted. but something unexpected happened last night. even though i was so tired and all, i cud not sleep last night, and the same is the case today.. which is why i am awake so late to vomit my thoughts again to this blog.....
no matter how hard i try i am just not able to relax... some how i have become an insomniac, is it the pressure of the high expectations of people around?? or am i just tooo insane......
Its not as bad as it used to be those days when i had started writing this blog... I had given up completely and had almost no hope then... now i know some of u read this and that help comes from most unimaginable and unexpected places..... its weird how people who u dont even know may say something that just hits u at times...
anyways this is not about them, its more abt whats going thru my head at the moment... not really sure. am a confused soul.. planning to give a competitve exam soon, needs minimum 2 months prep..... abt time i started focussing on it... but am sooooo pathetically lost that i cant figure out things arnd me... half the time am unaware of whats going on and that applies to the office also... just the other day when i was sitting in front of my comp i realised i was doing nothing but staring follishly at the desktop and daydreaming when i am supposed to be doing tasks allocated to me. my latest found hobby.... DAYDREAMING... yes there have been occasions when am sitting between frenz and having a jolly good time and all of a sudden i realise i missed something in between... ahhhhhhh too many things... maybe am just putting too much pressure on myself... but the time right now is really crucial specially for me... its like this make or break time..... ah now i get ambitious...
well what do u know.... i always had dreams and ambitions but never had the courage to pursue my dreamz.... i took life very lightly always and now i realise time is running away.... slippin away.... i never felt bad for missing out on things in my life but now i feel bad for not giving them a 100%.. they have all been well within my grasp... So close yet so far..........
i can see around me people who work hard and lemme tell u hard work does pay off.... i have seen most of them being well rewarded... i dunno where this topic is heading but am just writing out whatever comes to my mind.... any psychoanalysts please help me in figuring out my state of mind....
another thing that i realise is that am too dramatic,... i see a nice inspirational movie and the next thing i know is i am full on JOSH and ready to rock and roll. and minutes later am back to myself.... during my college days i committed a mistake of trying to reinvent myself and trying to be someone i am completely not... now am lost... my thoughts and feelings at the moment can best be summarised by the song "SOMEWHERE I BELONG" and "NUMB" by Linkin Park...... http://www.linkin-parkworld.com/info/meteoralyrics.php

When this began
I had nothing to say
And I'd get lost in the nothingness inside of me
I was confused
And I let it all out to find/That I'm
Not the only person with these things in mind
Inside of me
But all the vacancy the words revealed
Is the only real thing that I've got left to feel
Nothing to lose
Just stuck/Hollow and alone
And the fault is my own
And the fault is my own

I've got nothing to say
I can't believe I didn't fall right down on my face
I was confused
Looking everywhere/Only to fin that it's
Not the way I had imagined it all in my mind
So what am I
What do I have but negativity
'Cause I can't justify the
Way everyone is looking at me
Nothing to lose
Nothing to gain/Hollow and alone
And the fault is my own
The fault is my own


A more than perfect description of what i am going thru..... If anyone of u has been thru all this then please help me in finding the light at the end of the tunnel..... its pitch dark and i cant see anything :((
there is so much hidden inside that needs to come out before i start going after what i am supposed to do. but time is of the essence... now is the time i need to let go of all this and gear up and do what i am supposed to do, something i shud have started loooooooooooooooong ago...
i wish our lives also had an f1 key that we cud press every now and then and get going.....
:D heheheh okay jokes apart... am serious to the core,... i mean it... help me out plz... like they say doobte to tinke ka sahaara kaafi hota hai.... so plz contribute ur tinkas a.s.a.p.....

Adnan sami - as good as it gets

Was watching the Femina miss India today.... when i saw a familiar face in the jury...
is it true.???? is this really Adnan Sami??? Like they keep saying in a million different ways in Friends... OH MY GOD!!!!!
He was looking fantastic... Simply superb after loosing about 90 Kgs,,,,,, yes 90 kgs... thats as good as getting rid of a complete person.... Tried to find out how.... Just how can you do it??
Some sites said the obvious.. u know.... the same old diet,, exercise and the regular blah blah...
But hats off to Adnan.. it wudnt have been easy am sooooooooooo sure.. takes a hell lot to do that..
what determination, what will power this guy must be having...
well i still cant get a grip... Mr. Adnan Sami... if ever you get to read this blog know this, i was always a fan of your music but now am an even bigger fan of your determination to get a grip on your lifestyle....

So now my latest source of inspiration is none other than, supposidly the fastest keyboard player, the ever charming, the amazing singer, weighing somewhere near 100 and still loosing weight, Adnan Sami........................

hehehehehehehehehe... well like they say... What one man can do another man can do,,,,,,
So on that note starts the new pursuit for a happier and healthier persona.....

Dont know y am saying all this... but well i guess this one is not so much for the people who read this blog than it is for myself..... Sorrieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee :D

The pusruit of happiness (yes the movie)

Saw the movie today..... Well, hell of a movie.... I never really liked will smith,, all the more reason not to watch the movie.... but right from scene one, it gripped me... and Will smith.... never knew he cud act so well... dont wanna speak a lot and spoil the movie for whoever is reading this... but all i can say is that movie is a MUST WATCH..... its not a family drama... its more than that...
And people like me will definately relate to it....

A new direction

Didnt feel like coming and writing the same old stuff again... so didnt post for a while... But then today, i got a comment to my previous post which made me rethink on my ordeals and troubles from a completely new perspective,,,, The problems are not gone anywhere but just that now, there seems to be an urge to start over again and redo it... To reflect upon my life and rebuild it brick by brick.............

Thanks to the wonderful people who stand by me in my deepest darkest hours... and to Swami Vivekanada of course :D

Written in half sleep, so please dont mind even if its bad.....

Every night when i close my eyes,
and darkness takes me in,
I have no clue whats going on,
am i being punished for any sin??

But then it dawns and the sun rises,
And a new ray of hope comes out,
With a new day, a new beginning,
i put to rest the doubt....

And then as everything starts to seem,
as it was before,,,,, all right,
to my horror, to my scare,
comes back the cruel night....

This is the life's ordeal they say,
with which one has to cope,
But the night will be over & a new day will rise,
as the wise ones say, THERE'S ALWAYS HOPE.....

The Problem worsens

As every day passes by the problem worsens rather than getting better. Dont know what to say exactly.... Nothing new happened today except of course some more came out in the light and made me realise that i was loosing out on every damn one of them.... Huh more than feeling sad am getting immune to all this as time passes.... Might end up as a loner one day... Ya thats what i have become, a loner,,, though i still wish the good old times wud roll yet again but alas all i see is darkness without even a trace of light..... all around me i see familiar faces who i once used to hang out with, but not any more,,,,,, its as if they hardly know me, and i for sure dont know anyone anymore. An emptiness creeps in my life as time goes on.... Am loosing out on something more than that.... My confidence is at an all time low... If at all i see someone who i want to speak to,,,, the words wont just come out... Have never been so cautious with what i speak ever in my life....
And when i try to be the same old extroverted person, a desperate attempt to make things right... the desperation shows in the words,,,, A person whose words used to be so apt once speaks utter nonsense and that too when he speaks after enough contemplation....

God,, is there really an end to this ordeal??? Can things be back the way they were before????
Maybe i am too possessive and not at able to let go of things, but its one life and is it too much to ask for a few friends who undersand you and support you??? Or is the life really so mean.... Like they say in MATRIX:: WELCOME TO THE REAL WORLD... But something inside tells me that no, its not all that bad,,, its gonna be okay, its just a phase, i will pass by.... And then something or the other happens that puts me back from where i came......
Another problem if i may add :D is that people never take me seriously,, yes i know that... i try to be friendly and not take things to the heart, but what do i get for that... people take me for granted....
Okay maybe i am not making any sense but please lemme say it, this is the only place where i can say without worrying about what others may think..... Huh am going mad............. totally insane................................................................ :((

Do u think i need counselling??? Well at the moment i can drive anyone insane who comes forward to help me...... Sheh am so filled with complexes and insecurities that i cant do anything i once loved,.,,,,, And then there is the coffee addiction, staying up at nights, the insomnia, the head aches, the depression..... I hate myself now......................
YES I HATE MYSELF FOR LETTING THE WORLD RUN OVER ME......
Thats what they all have been doing... yes running over me... :(
Its like i know it all but am helpless and not able to do anything abt it,
Sometimes i really feel i must go to some metro and get really lost in the crowd and pamper myself,,,,, live my life the way i want to with no one who knows me, but then again,,, am not a person who can stay alone.....

Of course there are occasions i need to be left alone but thats not something i like doing often....
Now that i have this blog, i feel i am talking to myself and developing some sort of a split personality here... If i am going mad then i guess i know it already... :D i will be the first Mad person to accept the fact that he is getting mad......
Oh Gosh stop it... Whenever i get really serious, from somewhere this thing of acting normal and making a fun of myself starts coming up...... get serious get serious....

I beg you for help... Have nowhere to go... Am LOST..... Help me find myself.......

When things dont work out the way you want them to,,, everything around you seems wrong and you tend to dislike it,, its like a defense mechanism wherein one tries to form a secure circle around oneself and inside it gets ruined more than ever.... Am caught inside one such circle... Please let me out.......

Whats the problem

Well, they say if you say it out you feel much better.. But when you have no one to listen, what do you do then? I say blog.......

So here i am, letting my feelings out, hoping for an answer from someone who can understand what the problem is. Yes, truely speaking i am clueless as to what my problem is... And that is precisely what i intend to find out. So let me start from the start. Born into an upper middle class family in a beautiful township in central India, i had a lovely childhood.... Was neither pampered nor pressured by my parents, probably my bringing up is one thing i am really satisfied with except for one little flaw. My parents never taught me to take advantage of others, neither of them were like that themselves. Which i feel now is a huge disadvantage for me... y? Read on you will find out.

I was always the person who never was really ambitious... Not that i didnt have ambitions.. Just that they were so short lived and ever changing that i never realised what i wanted to do. Well never really had a great hobby other than day dreaming and chilling out as they say it.... :D
So i just went where my life took me. Academically... never really put much effort but was always amongst the top students... not the topper... that drive to be at the top was never there.... became a jack(ass) of all trades and master of none...

As time went by I started enjoying the company of people my age and became a social and a very friendly guy. College life was ROCKING with a few upsets here and there... Love life???? The kind of person who falls in love with almost every person who responds properly...
And then something happened....... Something terrible.... didnt know what hit me... They all call it LIFE and it has its mysterious ways.....

Realised that most of the so called friends of that age were not really what you thought they were...... And i who was always brought up in a very secure (although quiet independent) environment started succumbing to emotions. Oh what an emotional fool.... Now that's where i am not so happy with not being able to take advantage of others, coz others do that every time to me. It turns out that a person who used to feel very practical and emotionally secure is not so any more. And this has been happening for quiet some time... my frustrations increase by the day as i see people who were not considered as intelligent or smart as myself move ahaed and make their lives and I who is standing at the crucial stages of life is standing helpless surrounded by insecurities and loneliness and impracticality......

Turns out my whole life is nothing but a problem......
This is the basic saga of what's inside my mind.... To add to these there are other issues like work, health issues etc etc....... As my responsibilities increase so do my frustrations and my troubles. It is time to take some action but what and how??? where to start from???
Basically makes me feel like just another person lost in the crowd, with no identity, trying to figure out what's the meaning of life and what should one do not to be left behind.....

At this point the whole world seems crashing down into me, have nowhere to go, no idea about what to do and no vision of whats lying ahaed...
They all say take control of your life, but its easier said than done..... Every time i take a bold step to get a hold of my life, it hits back even harder than before..... And if this continues any longer then....... God only knows........

Sometimes i feel these problems really do not exist, just that i am creating them for myself but then again, a moment later am back... Something or the other happens every single day that makes me come back to this mental state at the end of each day....... So please if you have any idea as to what I can do, help help help.............