As every day passes by the problem worsens rather than getting better. Dont know what to say exactly.... Nothing new happened today except of course some more came out in the light and made me realise that i was loosing out on every damn one of them.... Huh more than feeling sad am getting immune to all this as time passes.... Might end up as a loner one day... Ya thats what i have become, a loner,,, though i still wish the good old times wud roll yet again but alas all i see is darkness without even a trace of light..... all around me i see familiar faces who i once used to hang out with, but not any more,,,,,, its as if they hardly know me, and i for sure dont know anyone anymore. An emptiness creeps in my life as time goes on.... Am loosing out on something more than that.... My confidence is at an all time low... If at all i see someone who i want to speak to,,,, the words wont just come out... Have never been so cautious with what i speak ever in my life....
And when i try to be the same old extroverted person, a desperate attempt to make things right... the desperation shows in the words,,,, A person whose words used to be so apt once speaks utter nonsense and that too when he speaks after enough contemplation....
God,, is there really an end to this ordeal??? Can things be back the way they were before????
Maybe i am too possessive and not at able to let go of things, but its one life and is it too much to ask for a few friends who undersand you and support you??? Or is the life really so mean.... Like they say in MATRIX:: WELCOME TO THE REAL WORLD... But something inside tells me that no, its not all that bad,,, its gonna be okay, its just a phase, i will pass by.... And then something or the other happens that puts me back from where i came......
Another problem if i may add :D is that people never take me seriously,, yes i know that... i try to be friendly and not take things to the heart, but what do i get for that... people take me for granted....
Okay maybe i am not making any sense but please lemme say it, this is the only place where i can say without worrying about what others may think..... Huh am going mad............. totally insane................................................................ :((
Do u think i need counselling??? Well at the moment i can drive anyone insane who comes forward to help me...... Sheh am so filled with complexes and insecurities that i cant do anything i once loved,.,,,,, And then there is the coffee addiction, staying up at nights, the insomnia, the head aches, the depression..... I hate myself now......................
YES I HATE MYSELF FOR LETTING THE WORLD RUN OVER ME......
Thats what they all have been doing... yes running over me... :(
Its like i know it all but am helpless and not able to do anything abt it,
Sometimes i really feel i must go to some metro and get really lost in the crowd and pamper myself,,,,, live my life the way i want to with no one who knows me, but then again,,, am not a person who can stay alone.....
Of course there are occasions i need to be left alone but thats not something i like doing often....
Now that i have this blog, i feel i am talking to myself and developing some sort of a split personality here... If i am going mad then i guess i know it already... :D i will be the first Mad person to accept the fact that he is getting mad......
Oh Gosh stop it... Whenever i get really serious, from somewhere this thing of acting normal and making a fun of myself starts coming up...... get serious get serious....
I beg you for help... Have nowhere to go... Am LOST..... Help me find myself.......
When things dont work out the way you want them to,,, everything around you seems wrong and you tend to dislike it,, its like a defense mechanism wherein one tries to form a secure circle around oneself and inside it gets ruined more than ever.... Am caught inside one such circle... Please let me out.......
Thursday, February 22, 2007
Wednesday, February 21, 2007
Whats the problem
Well, they say if you say it out you feel much better.. But when you have no one to listen, what do you do then? I say blog.......
So here i am, letting my feelings out, hoping for an answer from someone who can understand what the problem is. Yes, truely speaking i am clueless as to what my problem is... And that is precisely what i intend to find out. So let me start from the start. Born into an upper middle class family in a beautiful township in central India, i had a lovely childhood.... Was neither pampered nor pressured by my parents, probably my bringing up is one thing i am really satisfied with except for one little flaw. My parents never taught me to take advantage of others, neither of them were like that themselves. Which i feel now is a huge disadvantage for me... y? Read on you will find out.
I was always the person who never was really ambitious... Not that i didnt have ambitions.. Just that they were so short lived and ever changing that i never realised what i wanted to do. Well never really had a great hobby other than day dreaming and chilling out as they say it.... :D
So i just went where my life took me. Academically... never really put much effort but was always amongst the top students... not the topper... that drive to be at the top was never there.... became a jack(ass) of all trades and master of none...
As time went by I started enjoying the company of people my age and became a social and a very friendly guy. College life was ROCKING with a few upsets here and there... Love life???? The kind of person who falls in love with almost every person who responds properly...
And then something happened....... Something terrible.... didnt know what hit me... They all call it LIFE and it has its mysterious ways.....
Realised that most of the so called friends of that age were not really what you thought they were...... And i who was always brought up in a very secure (although quiet independent) environment started succumbing to emotions. Oh what an emotional fool.... Now that's where i am not so happy with not being able to take advantage of others, coz others do that every time to me. It turns out that a person who used to feel very practical and emotionally secure is not so any more. And this has been happening for quiet some time... my frustrations increase by the day as i see people who were not considered as intelligent or smart as myself move ahaed and make their lives and I who is standing at the crucial stages of life is standing helpless surrounded by insecurities and loneliness and impracticality......
Turns out my whole life is nothing but a problem......
This is the basic saga of what's inside my mind.... To add to these there are other issues like work, health issues etc etc....... As my responsibilities increase so do my frustrations and my troubles. It is time to take some action but what and how??? where to start from???
Basically makes me feel like just another person lost in the crowd, with no identity, trying to figure out what's the meaning of life and what should one do not to be left behind.....
At this point the whole world seems crashing down into me, have nowhere to go, no idea about what to do and no vision of whats lying ahaed...
They all say take control of your life, but its easier said than done..... Every time i take a bold step to get a hold of my life, it hits back even harder than before..... And if this continues any longer then....... God only knows........
Sometimes i feel these problems really do not exist, just that i am creating them for myself but then again, a moment later am back... Something or the other happens every single day that makes me come back to this mental state at the end of each day....... So please if you have any idea as to what I can do, help help help.............
So here i am, letting my feelings out, hoping for an answer from someone who can understand what the problem is. Yes, truely speaking i am clueless as to what my problem is... And that is precisely what i intend to find out. So let me start from the start. Born into an upper middle class family in a beautiful township in central India, i had a lovely childhood.... Was neither pampered nor pressured by my parents, probably my bringing up is one thing i am really satisfied with except for one little flaw. My parents never taught me to take advantage of others, neither of them were like that themselves. Which i feel now is a huge disadvantage for me... y? Read on you will find out.
I was always the person who never was really ambitious... Not that i didnt have ambitions.. Just that they were so short lived and ever changing that i never realised what i wanted to do. Well never really had a great hobby other than day dreaming and chilling out as they say it.... :D
So i just went where my life took me. Academically... never really put much effort but was always amongst the top students... not the topper... that drive to be at the top was never there.... became a jack(ass) of all trades and master of none...
As time went by I started enjoying the company of people my age and became a social and a very friendly guy. College life was ROCKING with a few upsets here and there... Love life???? The kind of person who falls in love with almost every person who responds properly...
And then something happened....... Something terrible.... didnt know what hit me... They all call it LIFE and it has its mysterious ways.....
Realised that most of the so called friends of that age were not really what you thought they were...... And i who was always brought up in a very secure (although quiet independent) environment started succumbing to emotions. Oh what an emotional fool.... Now that's where i am not so happy with not being able to take advantage of others, coz others do that every time to me. It turns out that a person who used to feel very practical and emotionally secure is not so any more. And this has been happening for quiet some time... my frustrations increase by the day as i see people who were not considered as intelligent or smart as myself move ahaed and make their lives and I who is standing at the crucial stages of life is standing helpless surrounded by insecurities and loneliness and impracticality......
Turns out my whole life is nothing but a problem......
This is the basic saga of what's inside my mind.... To add to these there are other issues like work, health issues etc etc....... As my responsibilities increase so do my frustrations and my troubles. It is time to take some action but what and how??? where to start from???
Basically makes me feel like just another person lost in the crowd, with no identity, trying to figure out what's the meaning of life and what should one do not to be left behind.....
At this point the whole world seems crashing down into me, have nowhere to go, no idea about what to do and no vision of whats lying ahaed...
They all say take control of your life, but its easier said than done..... Every time i take a bold step to get a hold of my life, it hits back even harder than before..... And if this continues any longer then....... God only knows........
Sometimes i feel these problems really do not exist, just that i am creating them for myself but then again, a moment later am back... Something or the other happens every single day that makes me come back to this mental state at the end of each day....... So please if you have any idea as to what I can do, help help help.............
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